Simple
I’m thinking of you. You don’t need to reply.
Grief & support
What to say to someone who is grieving.
There is no sentence that fixes grief. Usually, the most helpful words are honest, gentle and specific. You can acknowledge what happened, remember the person who died, offer practical support and leave room for silence.
Useful starting points
Say less, but mean it.
Specific
I keep thinking about your mum’s laugh. She made people feel welcome.
Anniversary
I know today may be a difficult day. I’m remembering them with you.
Practical
I’m free on Thursday if it would help to have company, a lift, or someone to do the shopping.
After some time
I know everyone gets back to normal, but I also know grief doesn’t work like that. I’m still here.
What not to force
Support does not need to explain the loss.
- Trying to find a silver lining too quickly.
- Telling someone how long grief should last.
- Comparing their loss with your own before listening to theirs.
- Pressuring them to reply, meet, talk or feel better.
- Using clichés if they do not sound like something you would genuinely say.
Different relationships
The relationship can guide the words.
If their mum or dad died: name the parent if you knew them and mention a real memory or quality. “Your dad always made me laugh. I’m thinking of you.”
If their grandma or grandad died: family stories and small details often matter. “Your grandma always remembered everyone’s birthday. I’ll remember that about her.”
If their partner died: avoid rushing toward the future. Acknowledge the person and the scale of the change. “I’m so sorry. I’m here, and I’ll keep checking in.”
If you did not know the person: you do not need to invent a memory. “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m thinking of you.” is enough.
After the funeral
Keep showing up after everyone else has gone home.
The weeks after a funeral can be lonelier than the first few days. A message a month later, on a birthday, at Christmas, on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, or on the anniversary of the death can mean a great deal.
You do not have to say something profound. “I remembered what today is. I’m thinking of you.” can be enough.
A gesture as well as words
If you want to send something, keep the person at the centre.
Flowers can be appropriate, but they are not a requirement and they should not replace listening. If you do send them, add a message that sounds like you rather than trying to find the perfect phrase.
A note on safety
Grief and mental health are not the same thing, but they can overlap.
If you are worried someone may be in immediate danger or at risk of harming themselves, treat that as a safety concern rather than a messaging problem and seek appropriate urgent support.